martes, 29 de junio de 2010

Current MOOD: ...

I just couldn´t find a better picture to describe my mental and spiritual mood but I guess it´s time to move on. Nobody is worthy enough to cry and weep over. I know that I´m not the only girl that´s been through it, I just need to get this out of my chest now, I think it will help me to move on but what I´m supposed to do when the person that is hurting me like hell is my best friend? It´s been over a year almost that I´m carrying this with me, ups and downs that make me feel that I´m riding a rollercoaster from hell. I don´t know how started to be honest but I just remember that one day I woke up madly in love with him and when I say madly I mean that head over heels love. Everytime my cell would ring and saw that it was him, a smile would appear in my face. But it´s a long and complicated beginning, see I met him about 3 years ago when he used to be my friend´s boyfriend and we become really close, the inevitable end came and they broke up. She changed a lot along with my other friends, she dragged them to a horrible path filled with boys and heavy drinking that I was not willing to follow, he stood by my side when I felt that I had no one. Of course she started to hate me and I swear by my mother that at first instance I was not in love with him, for christ sake he was HER ex-boyfriend. Time passed on and we grew closer as last summer approach, we become confidents, we told each other everything about every topic you can imagine to cartoons to marriage and future dreams. We could spend hours and hours talking over msn, it would be 1 am and we kept on talking. The relationship started to become something weird, we spent every waking hour together or talking over msn. People started talking, everybody asked us if we were a couple we would laugh and simply say "no", I guess that´s when I fall for him. Not long after that he stole me my firts kiss, at the end of the night the number turned to 5 and to present day that number is 13, 13 times that he stole a kiss from me, I never return it. The awful then came...he met someone, and I just stood there crying my heart of for the firts time in my life. I can still remeber that week as it had happend yesterday, a guy I went out with blew me off to say the least and he started dating her. It was by far the worst christmas ever, an entire week I kept on crying, in the night when nobody could see me I cry and cry myself to sleep waking up with what seemed to be the most awful face in history of broken hearts. One day I went out with the two of them and I swear to God that when I saw him put his head on her shoulder it was like someone stabbed me 50 times, I couldn´t breathe, I felt the knot in my throat and I felt it was burning me. To keep the story shorter, she blew him off and things went back to "normal" but something changed he started to be more touchy with me, he hugged me, carried me, put his head on my shoukder, kiss my cheek and those type of things BOYFRIENDDDSSS do!!! our time together intensified, we became inseparable and people always said "if he is, then she also is" I got my blackberry and the wholee freaking day we would talk and if we weren´t talking through it we would be together. Then another bump...he met another girl but that as fast like a band aid she was terrible and she realized and he stopped seeing her and well I was blissful with our realtionship. A trip to the beach came on. It was my first trip ever without parents, guess who my sleeping partener was? Him, yes I guess what you must be thinking but no...nothing happened I´m really old fashioned with that type of thing the only thing he grabbed my hand and made me hugged him for 5 seconds hahaha it was cute and well I thought I might die of happiness but the days went by and he got a little colder at a party he rushed to a girl when he was about to dance with me, he left with her returning to the house at 7 am. The whole night I cried and cried with one friend both of us didn´t understood the situation, what game was he playing? I felt at that time that no air could reach my lungs, I felt empty, I couldn´t cry more it was like all the tears I had I already spent them on him, my body felt numb, I hardly could move. I got sick from the stomach, and spent the whole night wide awake from the pain in my stomach and heart. We got back and he started dating the girl from the party, it ended quickly she blew him off. Again, he came running back and our relationship was pretty much the same. And here we are a couple weeks ago his b-day was approaching so, why not he decided to go clubbing with one friend and her nasty friends I hate. A friend of that girl catched his eye and decided to left me alone with the girls I hated in order to spend the whole night with her. I rushed to the bathroom after not bieng able to resist the tears that came down hard and quick. I took two tequila shots and went to the dance floor, one guy catch me eye and I aslo catched his. He asked me to dance and I agreed I spent the whole night with him, he was handosme and nice to chat with, but in my mind was still him all over. His face of surprise when he saw me was priceless I guess he didn´t expect me to find someone, because honestly I never try anymore, all the guys think he´s my boyfriend and the efforts to dismmiss the idea stopped months ago, I was happy with him and had no eyes fo other guy that wasn´t him. He started to date her a few days ago and the story is repeting again... me crying over him while he calls me when she leaves to the bathroom, the last sentence "i really like her she´s just like you, is like I´m talking to you" of course that crushed me leaving me harmless again but it´s not fair, it has never been. Today I´m willing to put every inch of my will and try to break this unhealthy realationship, is like I´m kate Winslet in "The Holiday". I´m tired and I deserve a guy that loves me back, I´m tired of being someone´s backup plan, because sadly I realized I am. And the worst part... he´s everything I don´t want in a guy, ironic right? I know I´m not the only one, and if you can overcome the death of soemone you love I guess this is just a piece of bread. I hope that in a few weeks I could right "yey i´m over him and I have seen with her and I felt nothing..." but oh yes they are going end up together because this girl is the one doing the guy´s job. If you read it, thanks I just needed to get this out of my chest. I´m scared because he´s a really big part of my life, and I will loose my partner in crime but hey it´s like Hellen Keller once said "When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us.” So I will smile and look at the road ahead of me :)

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